Fighting the fear

I hate being pregnant.

It’s not that I don’t believe that a positive outcome makes it all worth it or that I don’t recognize the debt that I owe to the process (thanks Mom!).

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the fact that being here, 29 weeks along, is a gift in itself, a gift that doesn’t always come easily.

It’s just that this a terribly scary place for me.   The recent tragedies that have befallen other bloggers have served as potent reminders, not that I really NEEDED reminding, of just how fragile this state can be.

And yet with each passing day I also catch glimpses into the way that it is “supposed” to be – the casual conversations with the postman about giving g a sibling, the talk on the playground with other parents of two young children about “how one does it”, discussions of birth plans and post-birth arrangements.  The more entrenched in this role I become, the more terrified I feel.  To me, normal is bed-rest starting at 24 weeks, high risk specialists, an unsure outcome.  I find far greater security when using the term “if” than I do when using “when”.  And yet I have little justification for such an approach this time around, which should be cause for celebration.  If only I could convince myself that it might even be ok to embrace this good fortune.

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12 Responses to Fighting the fear

  1. Lesley says:

    I hear you… It’s ok to hate the uncertainty of being pregnant. Even though it feels awkward, in a world of confident preggos. I fucking HATED EVERY MINUTE (ok, well, that’s an exaggeration. There were moments of joyful anticipation, but I ruthlessly tried to suppress those). I think it’s a perfectly rational approach, after loss. Even though of course this baby will be FINE. But I agree that it feels more natural, after loss, to wait until it’s actually born to truly exhale and celebrate the fact.

  2. Esperanza says:

    Oh Slowmamma, I’m sorry it’s so hard. I’m sorry there are no guarantees. Pregnancy is a difficult time, impossible when you’ve experience loss yourself and know first hand that tragedy can strike at any time. It’s even harder when you’re a part of a community that is brought together by loss, when you are constantly reminded of what can happen. When you have to face other people’s pain.

    I truly hope the next ten weeks are uneventful and that this pregnancy has the happiness of endings.

    Remember, this story has not been written yet. No one knows how it’s going to turn out. And your past stories and the stories of others don’t necessarily have anything to do with your story, here and now.

    Good luck.

  3. jjiraffe says:

    I can only echo the wise words of Esperanza. Thinking of you and your little one…

  4. Mina says:

    I hear you.
    I have far less reasons to feel this way, yet feeling is not something I can control. So I keep my head in the sand and pretend no one can see me. I know the ostriches don’t do that, but it has worked for me many times.
    I wish it were easier.

  5. Ana says:

    Oh, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. As Esperanza said, it’s hard enough just being part of this community and KNOWING what can happen. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel, no guilt! Waiting with you….

  6. Justine says:

    This community is both a blessing (in its support) and a hard place to be (because there is so much loss and grief). I know how hard it is to believe, to even DARE to hope … all you can do is take it one day at a time, welcome joy when it comes (whether in a kick to the abdomen or a conversation with the postman), and be gentle to yourself. And remember, that as much as we are rallying around you, this is about you. This time, this pregnancy, is different from every other one in history.

  7. slowmamma says:

    Thanks everyone! I apologize for saying the same thing over and over again. I have so many things that I’d like to write about and yet I find that this ends up being what I NEED to write about. Needless to say, I’m grateful to have this place to repeat myself endlessly – and wonderful women who are willing to listen!

  8. Misfit Mrs. says:

    I have felt this exactly for the whole 25+ weeks. I have to force the switch to “when” from “if.” I know how hard it is to embrace this state, especially when you know how fragile the whole miracle of birth part can be. You are among friends.

  9. I totally understand. I found pregnancy to be incredibly stressful, too. One of the only things that helped me was to remember to surrender to the experience–each pregnancy was going to progress the way it was going to progress. Other than taking my prenatals, drinking water, eating blueberries, and taking many deep breaths, I had little control. I’m not sure why this was the train of thought that helped me, but it did.

    Don’t apologize for writing about this–this is your space and we’re happy to read and support wherever you are! I’m always willing to listen and help you shed light on the fear so that it might diminish.

  10. Pingback: PAIL: The next steps | Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm

  11. Emily says:

    Feeling the same way- just hit the second trimester so should be feeling more relaxed. And I’m lucky in that I had chemical pregnancies and very early miscarriages so I’m not even nervous because horrible things have happened to me before. But they DO happen, and they’ve happened to people I know both in and out of blog world. And so I find myself saying things like “If all goes well, the baby will be born in August,” rather than,” the baby is due in August” when people ask. Like I need a disclaimer on it or something. Ugh.

  12. I totally understand! I live in constant fear of my pregnancy ending and I won’t even know it, even now at 18 weeks.
    I have a friend who had a similar experience as I (a missed miscarriage) and she said she didn’t believe it was happening until she was close to her due date.
    You’ll get to a good place soon. We all will :)

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