The line

I am still pregnant.

I spend most of my time largely ignoring the fact that that phrase belongs to me.  But then I find myself wide awake in the early hours of the morning, submerged by the stream of possibilities.  The fingertips of my mind frantically trace the thread of this pregnancy, senselessly trying to undo the heavy tangle of knots, searching in vain for the free end, the conclusion.

I remind myself that I won’t find the answers in that twisted filament.  Only time will tell if the line is short or long, smooth of heavily frayed.  I can only grab on and trace its contours day by day, propelled by equal parts fear and hope.

I have never known birth without death.

But I know that, from one end to another, not a single piece is mine to control.  This is a lesson that I mastered long ago.  If only it were as easy to accept.

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5 thoughts on “The line

  1. I’m so excited that you’re still pregnant. Been thinking about you and hoping you enjoy a healthy and happy nine months. I also hope you find a way to accept in your heart that which you understand in your head, that you don’t have control, over anything. I’ve never been able to do that but I will strive to each and every day.

  2. It’s true that you have no control over what happens, and that you won’t see the end of that filament before it’s right in front of you. But I do hope that you can hold on to the part that is hope, tenuous though it might feel. It’s a difficult journey … but you are not alone on it.

    I don’t know why your blog isn’t showing up in my RSS feed, but I am going to be better about coming back to check on you … sending so many good thoughts your way.

  3. it can be such an exhilarating yet scary thing, that line.
    right now there is no conclusion, as you said. it’s just day by day. maybe there can be some comfort there, knowing the rest is beyond your control.
    wishing you well as you navigate through this!

  4. It’s true–all you can do is wait and attempt acceptance, if even for a moment, but OH for some uncomplicated joy! Maybe you get that too–I certainly hope so.

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