Behind

I’m sincerely doing my best not to fret over the fact that my embryonic fetus is measuring behind.  Truly, we aren’t the overachieving sort anyway – alive + heartbeat = good.  At my appointment, I was so busy celebrating the fact that there was just one that it barely even registered.  I begged the technician to search in all of the dusty corners of my uterus to be sure that one wasn’t hiding in there.  In response, she sort of half-laughed at me and said, “actually, we did miss one once”.  To which I responded that the “once” happened to by lying on the table at this very moment.

It was only sometime the next day that it dawned on me that I’ve been here before.  When we did finally discover that I was carrying twins (at about 16 wks), we also found out that one of them was measuring behind.  Of course, “behind” ended with no heartbeat at 31 weeks.  But twins are a different ball game and it’s early to be predicting demise.  I have even decided to stay away from Dr. Google and friends this time, going decidedly against my internal grain.  I’ve come to believe that sometimes there is wisdom in not seeking knowledge.  In the case of the twins, I had read every paper I could find and considered every scenario that had a precedent.  It made for good conversations with the perinatologist, who thought that I was myself a physician, but it didn’t change the outcome and it didn’t, I believe couldn’t, prepare me emotionally.

So I will wait for more information.  The good news is that I don’t have to wait long.  I have an ultrasound in just less than 2 weeks.  In the meantime, I have given myself the “worst pregnant woman on earth” award.  Simply put, I SUCK at this!  I am tired – ok, slovenly – and nauseous and my brain functions only on the lowest maintenance setting.   It’s not pretty.

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5 thoughts on “Behind

  1. I think you are being very wise. This is the worst wait EVER, one of the most harrowing experiences in anyone’s life (by this wait, I mean the wait of someone who’s lost a baby to see if the one she’s currently carrying will make it). So anything you can do to stay sane is wonderful. Again, I’m sorry that you were given any reason to worry. Alive + heartbeat = GOOD.

  2. I’m a big fan of avoiding google at this point. You can find confirmation for anything you want to believe, bad or good, and somehow the bad always registers more strongly…OH PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD!

    I’m ashamed of you for not being more sprightly. Come on! What’s a little extreme exhaustion and nausea? Play through the pain, m’kay? But for reals, I hope you can take it easy.

  3. Trinity

    I’m with you and Lesley here: Alive + Heartbeat = Good. This is going to be a nagging kind of wait, no doubt, but hang in there. I wish we could all live in a mindspace completely free of the knowledge of loss and heartbreaking pregnancy outcomes, I swear. Thinking of you, my slovenly, nauseaus friend! 😉

  4. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    Hang in there! Here is the thing…you don’t really know when you conceived, right? So how can you know if you are measuring behind? Maybe they just estimated wrong.

    Hang in there, try not to be tooo nauseous, and know that our prayers are with you!

  5. No need to overachieve at all, little embryo–just grow appropriately and all will be well! As for you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take care of yourself. I’m thinking of you and as always, am wishing you the best. Hope this waiting period goes quickly!

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