The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I met with my Dr a few days ago and we poured over the facts of this pregnancy.  Everything looks good, she concluded.  It seems your past experiences were probably just bad luck.  I came home feeling pretty good.  G and I had our first conversation about it as if it were going to happen.  It felt a bit awkward. New territory, I suppose.

Yesterday I made a decision to change the way I live this pregnancy from here on.  I have been so conditioned by my experience with g and his twin, which was fraught with complication from early on. I was told to take it easy and so I spent my months staying as far away from living as I possibly could.  I became a shut in, afraid to waste even the smallest of efforts on anything that happened to concern the present tense.  I existed, as still as humanly possible, and just waited for the other shoe to drop.  Eventually, the giant thud arrived.

I decided not to do that again.  Yesterday, I tried on the guise of the sanguine pregnant woman. I went for a walk. I met a friendly woman at the park, 7 months pregnant, and exchanged chit chat about having a second while our sons scrambled about, omitting all of my usual qualifiers.

I told my family.

Today I woke up feeling a little strange.  I felt cramping. Then I discovered the spotting.   Neither is acceptable at 18 wks.

I don’t think I would feel much different if thunderbolt-wielding Zeus himself had stepped down from Olympus and told me not to forget where I belong.

Today I’m back in my old oversize clothes, all the better to conceal the bump. Except for the fool’s cap – that’s new.

And now I’m just waiting for that giant thump.

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11 thoughts on “The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  1. Wordgirl

    Oh Carlita. I wish I had better words than the ones I can offer — I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. I understand that feeling of needing to pre-empt the fates — you belong in the sunshine my friend. I’ll be imagining you there until you’re able to re-enter that space. I’ll be reading for an update.

    XO

    Pam

  2. Oh, no. You should be able to enjoy this pregnancy and be out in the world, not shut in and scared. But I totally get the desire for closing off your contacts with the world and needing to regroup until you know what is going on. I’m sending much love your way, and much hope that this is not a giant thump. Zeus would be wrong if he did appear: you belong in a place of peace and joy, though it’s hard to see it right now, I know.

  3. Oh, friend … sending my thoughts winging your way, and hoping that you can reassume the mantle of sanguine pregnant woman soon. I had some spotting with N late in the game … I’m going to hold on to hope for you, even if it’s hard to hold on to yourself. I’ll be waiting for an update …

  4. No words, just kind of a damn, really? Is that completely necessary?

    I’m generally not superstitious, but pregnancy brings it out in me completely.

    I’m currently contemplating how long I can hide the fact that I’m pregnant with twins from the majority of the people in my life. Just feel acknowledging could lead to smiting and somehow losing one or both of them again (I have a surviving twin). Since it happened while having an IUD in place, the risk of loss is even higher.

  5. Lesley

    Yeah, you can’t escape that doom-y feeling. It sucks. I had spotting at 16 weeks with P, and I died 1000 deaths. I waited for the other shoe to drop all pregnancy long. It was no fun. But I guess my point is that, on that round, the shoe *didn’t* drop. So while we of the pregnancy-loss club can’t help living in dread, which sucks, at least that dread doesn’t mean anything about the actual outcome. I hope you are able to get an ultrasound asap to see what’s going on, and if there is actually reason for concern.

  6. Oh, no. I just saw this for the first time. I’m sending all my positive vibes and prayers your way. I’m sure your doctor is monitoring this closely. But it must be scary. Many, many (((hugs))).

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