Pregnancy equilibrium?

According to my friendly neighborhood pregnancy tracker, I am now 26 weeks pregnant.  And I suspect that I may have reached my equilibrium point.  People talk often about that gestational sweet spot where you are no longer experiencing the nausea and fatigue of the first trimester and have yet to arrive at the bloating and soreness of the third.  Fortunately, I do feel physically better than I have in many months.

But that’s not the pregnancy equilibrium that is currently on my mind.  I am referring to a mental state that exists at a precise point between the overwhelming terror of loss and the panic of recognition that this may actually be headed towards a good and proper outcome.

I feel like I just arrived at this point and yet I am acutely aware that this is no steady-state.  I can already feel the voice of apprehension intensifying.

You are going to have a baby, it is saying.


I am genuinely afraid to confront this reality head-on. I have only ever known newborn-ness in strict association with trauma and I can only remember it as one of the most punishing times of my life.  Of course, there is something especially powerful about the grueling cocktail that is infant colic mixed with hormonal mayhem, extreme fatigue and a squirt of first-timer insecurities. I am quite sure that if this particular concoction could be recreated at will no state secret would ever be safe again.

I am reminded over and over, it is bound to be different this time.  And I will cling to that hope until the end.  But, in the meantime, I will celebrate this very fleeting thing that I’ve been granted, this sure-to-be short-lived equilibrium that is granting me a bit of serenity on an otherwise long and difficult journey.


12 thoughts on “Pregnancy equilibrium?

  1. Wow, 26 weeks already! I can’t believe you’re already that far along. I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable. I’m also glad that things are seeming less scary. Can you feel the baby yet? That always made me feel better-I was much less anxious during the second and third trimesters because of that. Of course there is always something to be afraid of. Wishing you a healthy and happy final 14 weeks of pregnancy!

  2. Lovely! So happy to hear that you are at a good place, physically & emotionally. Keep holding on to that hope…no matter what, it WILL be different this time, just because YOU are different this time. Plus its harder to fall into the black hole of newborn h*%l (colic/sleep/feeding) when you’ve got an active, attention-seeking, and laughter-provoking older one around.

  3. OH boy, a whole new set of things to worry about! The wonderful thing is just how normal this part is. Not everyone has to be forever changed by losses, but everyone gets to freak out about the reality of a newborn. I am so hoping that there’s no colic this time around! There doesn’t have to be, you know! May the Gods of the Easy Baby bless you!

  4. I can’t believe it’s been 26 weeks, either! I’m so happy you’re at an equilibrium point. Your post reminds me of an ad for a book I keep seeing called “There’s a baby coming. PANIC!” Or something. You are not alone for feeling this way 🙂

    Also, I would love to pay your laidback town and more importantly you a visit someday!

  5. I’m so glad for your moments of equilibrium and hope they continue on until the babe is safely arrived. I totally get the anticipation of having a newborn in the house again, especially because I’m living the newborn thing right now. Well, she’s four months, but sleeping like a newborn, so I feel that I can claim newborn-mom status. Ana is right. You are different and you will survive it, even if colic happens again (which it probably won’t–statistics must be on your side!).

    14 weeks is not so long away. This is exciting and you are doing so well. Serenity!

  6. Lesley

    I love your description of new-motherhood! I am hoping that you get a heavy dose of beatific euphoria in the mix on this round, your first without grief and loss.

  7. Misfit Mrs.

    Easy is the word I’d like underlined when looking back on this part. It’s rolling along, my dear and you are closer every day!

  8. I remember hitting that point – the “I’m so scared that this still won’t come true” into “oh, crap, what have we done…” 🙂 It will be different this time just because no two situations are alike. And it will be hard this time, because you know that it’s hard. But you’re coming in as mentally prepared as you can, and that has to make some difference too.

  9. Congratulation on your pregnancy. I found you through someone’s comment section, already forgot.. Just wanted to let you know this makes me hopeful for the future. I’m so sorry for your losses. Every pregnancy is a miracle.

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