Listen February, I feel like I’ve been doing my part to restore our relationship. I put some real effort into changing my attitude. I planted strawberries and asparagus and got my seed-starting plan together. I even uncharacteristically bought a duvet cover for the tattered old comforter that we sleep with in the front room/living room/play room/office/second bedroom. But you responded with………….illness? Ok, Mr D came down with the virus last week so technically we could blame it on January. But g’s all-night, screaming-in-pain event on the anniversary of his emergency surgery? Dude, that was below the belt.
Yes, I know that he has a tendency to be dramatic. Yes, I now understand that it was almost certainly sinus-related and he seems to be fine. But I’m exhausted. And, given the power of understanding to guide a relationship in the right direction, I want to explain why this exhaustion is much more than the absence of a single night of sleep.
You see, parenting a child whose survival is so tightly entangled with loss (What’s that? You’re right, you’re not to blame for the death of g’s twin and yes, I will talk to April about that one) is a particular kind of challenge. It doesn’t matter that I understand how important it is to send him out into the world to develop coping skills and become strong. Or the fact that I know that things happen and kids get sick and hurt. Parenting g is a daily struggle against my desire to dress him in bubble wrap and arrange all the activities he could ever want right here in our living room.
Because I have never fully emancipated myself from the fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep him safe. And yes, I see that for the most part he’s managing quite well. I promise you that I’m working on it. I think I’ll get there eventually. But in the meantime? Please go easy on me.